A Plea For Civility: Classless Sports Fans Boo Embattled Leader For Being Too Conservative

A plea for civility: Chicago Bears fans were way out of line to boo Matt Nagy on Sunday. Like him or not you need to repsect the position he has as Leader of your football team. Whatever happen to decency and decorum in this country? In my opinion, the people who are booing are a bigger problem then all the stuff they are booing about. How about a round of applause for how he made th fundamentalist leader of our opponet self-destruct, as Philip Rivers threw yet another bad interception. No credit for that? Ok.

This type of negative behavior is symptoms of a much larger problem- these precous little snowflakes think they get to hurt peoples feelings just because they disagree with their leaders conservative ideology. Nagy has different beliefs then you but just because he would rather not try to run any plays in a entire last minute of a game dosent mean you get to be mean to him. If you look at the facts Matt Nagy has done wonderfull things for his constituents in terms of trade agreements- sme might say his new version of Jordan Howard is exactly the same as his predecesors just with a different name but thats not entirely true- and its also ignoring Khalil Mack who was brought in for a kings ransom and leaving your team without any picks, but I guess his haters just want to frame that as another instance in which he is avoiding the draft. Im sorry you dont get to boo your leaders just because they are incompenent.

If you dont like it you can just move. A sporting event is not the appropriate place to voice your displeasure with those in charge- instead spectators should use this time to celebrate what makes us similar, like all having to watch another team lose because its being criminaly mismanged. Theres a time and a place for change- and that time is in November- when your more than welcome to pool your resources and fly a banner advocating for your coach to be fired over the teams practice facilty as our forebearers intended.

I’ll go one step farther, no offense to the Bears playcalling in the last minute of the game. Matt Nagy was right to take a knee in order to kick a field goal and I’ll tell you why: The yard that he lost on that kneel-down would of made all the difference in the world, since if the kick was taken from a yard closer, it not only would have still missed- but it would have hit the left upright directly at which point the Bears Coach and fanbase would have no choice but to climb to the top of it one-by-one, and sit down spread-eagle directly on the top of the goalpost, slowly impaling their entire bodys like a shish kabob of lemmings and that would of violated numerous NFL bylaws regarding the fan code of conduct.

Where you see cowardice I see a man who knows his kicker so well that the only way to save a entire city from another single, possibly double or triple doink, was to back it up a bit in order to miss completely. Nagy wont get the accolades he deserves for making this deicison in a bit of self destruction unseen since a certain covert military operation that took place in Syria on Saturday afternoon. Alternatively, Matt Nagy might just be insane and simply going through the stages of having his brain slowly melt out of his own ear because he is shell-shocked and afraid of his offense trying to accomplish anything as basic as a HB draw without somehow getting it screwed up. The only way I can imagine Nagy coming back from this is to take a week off doing egg-and-spoon races and make a solo trip to the Amazon rain forest and indulge in a three-night stay at a ayahuasca lodge, where the psychadelic tea brewed from the root of the jungle-vine can clear your head of traumatic episdoes in your past and alleviate addictions to heroine, cocaine, or screwing up football games.

Onto the rest of the column

Private First Class Swag Kellys weekly letter home:

WAAAAAASUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPP (Budweiser commercial voice)

Swag Kelly revenge game was off the charts this week. I made sure to practice extra hard this week on scout team pretending I was Joe Flacco. It was pretty easy I just took a bunch of qualudes and underthrew everyone all day. I still dont think coach knows my name but thats cool it probly makes it harder to cut me. The season is like half over but i think we might make the playoffs which sucks because I was trying to sublet my apartment in january to Marvin Harrison who wants to pay me like five times what its worth as long as i give him a room for all his extra duffel bags and then pay him back half the money later on cashapp or something. Venetieri said he has a pulled groin i coudnt stop laughing lmao we cut up to much lol.

p

Swag

Ten Things I Know I Know

1. Andy Dalton is the fourth best QB in the NFL. He has thrown for the fourth most yards and a QBs job is to throw for yards, so there fore Andy Dalton is the fourth least bad QB in the entire league right now. Its remarkable that hes been playing for Im guessing 11 years and I still have no idea wether or not he’s good. Imagine if you will, eating frosted flakes for breakfast every morning for a decade and still not knowing if you like them. That being said I think he probly doesnt know if he’s good or not either and thats ok. After looking through the list of AFC quaterbacks however I have determined that Andy will likley make another probowl after Tom Brady, Lamar Jackson, and Patrick Mahomes decline and Gardner Minshew cant because hes getting ready for the superbowl.

2. The latest reason I’ve come up with to speculate that the Patriots are falling apart is that Tom Brady has to be jealous of how his defense is gettting all the credit for winning in New England. They forced turnovers on three consecutive plays which has never happen in the history of the NFL which is remarkable since Brett Farve played for like 20 years. Theres a old football saying “you play like you practice” so in other words the Patriots defense must be owning the shit out of Brady Monday-Friday in training sessions and that has to be getting on his last nerve. Im also interested to see how Sanu fits in with the new social-media friendly Pats, considering Julian Edelmans little cartoons we’ll see just how comfortable he is with drawing Muhammad.

3. The trade deadline is fast approching tomorrow afternoon and allready Leonard Williams has been sent packing to the other side of the lockeroom going from the Jets to the Giants which is like when your parent that lets you and your friends drink in the basement gets full custody. This marks the end of the storied Jets draft class of 2015 including such names as Bryce Petty, and two other guys they picked after Bryce Petty because they were somehow even worse then Bryce Petty. The NFL is often known as the no-trade league because GMs are afraid of looking weak by wife-swapping there own players they thought were good enough to draft, but that trend looks to be changing.

As more and more milleneals are entering the NFL, you will see more trades happening as players are less loyal to front offices who were polite enough to give them non-guarenteed contracts. Trent Williams for example is finaly on the block according to everyone in the world with a brain and also Bruce Allen. He would fill a immediate need for a team who is interested in protecting their quarterback so probably everyone except for the Texans and the Browns.

4. The World Series might be going against the Washington Nationals at the moment, but the REAL winner is Nats fans who have been universaly embraced by everyone whose job it is to write a sports column with the exeption of Mitch Albom in a dropkick murphys hat aka Charlie Pierce. Charlie wrote one of the alltime great grumpy old white guy takes about baseball, and to make a piece stand out in a genre with such a rich history is extremeley difficult to do- kind of like being the shittiest QB in Arizona Cardinals history or being the dumbest SEC coach. Baseball is like catnip for old guys in that it takes a usually reasonable if skittish animal and turns them insane. Among other charges against the Nationals fans, Charlie griped that- their world seires tickets are too expensive for non-rich people, unlike the historically cheap offerings at other ballparks. He pointed out the fact that he reads alot of columns in publications that I’m not subscribed to which mention some bad journlists who attend games which would never happen in Boston. And he additionally pointed out the fact that George Bush was elected President right after the Nats moved into DC in 2005 and that he holds the baseball team repsonsible for his presidency which preemptively fostered regime change in a foreign country by liberating Montreal from baseball before he even held office. All in all a pretty solid column.

But the Nats fans have allready won the only title that truly counts- thats the title of being gentlemen and ladies.

5. The Nationals arent getting beaten by the Astros, not getting beaten by themselvs, rather they are getting beaten by BABIP. Its a stat I just learned over the last several years but it explains everything that goes wrong when your teams losing and why nothing is technically your teams’ fault, so its like astrology for nerds. As I understand it, BABIP means batting average on balls in play so if you hit alot of line drives to outfielders  instead of hitting line drives to where the outfielers arent standing, it should count for the exact same thing. And deez Nats have been historicaly unlucky over teh past 3 games when it comes to hitting the ball directly at where our opponents happen to be. All we need is for our BABIP luck to turn around and we moonwalk to a world series.

In fact I would like to see this stat brought to football for receiving average on balls in play or RABIP. Jameis Winstons interceptions are mostly the result of bad luck given that they tend to go directly to a memeber of the secondary who just happens to be standing there. When combined with his refusal to throw the ball out of bounds you end up with simply a very unlucky QB, not necessarly a bad one. I would even say that the Chicago Bears KABIP is pretty good they just have bad post luck which is more a function of chance then anything else.

6. This week Gardner Minshew makes me feel like:

– I just jumped a fence in my neighborhood and got away after I was pretty sure the cops were chasing me for spraypainting “hatin'” on a stopsign

-Im smoking a cigarette on a putt putt course while getting the evil eye from neighborhood dads who fear, yet repsect me

-I just floated a keg in a parking lot exactley 15 minutes before ICP is going on stage

7.  Joe Flacco grows a spine and within 24 hours diagnose by Broncos staff with a neck injury. Very intresting indeed. Flacco called Vic Fangio out for being a p-word with his playcalling at the end of the Broncos statement loss to the Colts, and now the next day he shows up with a mysterous neck injury. Waiting on confirmation for the wherabouts of Hillary Clinton last night before I make any jump to conclusions but I find it supsicious that Joe gets waylayed after traveling through the Denver airport.

8. Thoughts in prayers to Jerome Bettis

9. My short king of the week goes to Clyde Edwards Helaire from LSU. Hes 5’8 but plays like hes 5’8.5 (perfect height for countertop sex and/or being able to comfortably reach the second-most expensive shelf of wine in a store). LSU is not only DBU and QBU (most qbs drafted in NCAA since 2000), it’s also the home of nasty mean halfbacks aka NMHBU. Clyde, in addition to being the only person born in the last 20 years to be named Clyde, put the LSU offense on his perfectly average height shoulders verse Auburn in a tiger verse tiger matchup on Saturday. As the state with the lowest altitude it stands to reason that maybe the secret to Lousisanas success is that extra foot or two of padlevel that comes with it.

10. THIS WEEK IN FULLBACKS

Here we are paid a visit by friend of the program/superback Danny Vitale who led the way for Aaron Jones like he was digging a tunnel. Some people say the full back positon is uninteresting and I guess they’re right, if you think drilling a hole through a mountain is boring.

Fullback assisst update- So far here are the season leaders in FBAs:

1.  Kyle Juscyzkzhczyk (4)

2. (tie) Patrick Ricard, Patrick DiMarco, Alec Ingold , Zach Line, CJ Ham, Andy Janovich, Danny Vitale, Nick Bawden (2 each)

10. (tie) Darren Bates, James Ferentz, Jamize Olawale, Sheldon Day, JP Holtz, Alandon Roberts, Ben Watson, Alex Ellis,  (1 each)

Aaron Rodgers/Matt LaFleur Relationship Thermomemer:

We will be keeping track of the looming impolosion between the mercurial signal-caller and his first year head coach using the latest in scientific advancements- memes. 

This weeks rating:Bradley Cooper/ Lady Gaga

Rodgers and LaFluer are stuck in the shallow with the coach calling for numerous short passes that get taken the distance by Rogers runningbacks and WRs who are also runningbacks.

A sideline camera caught LaFleur giving Rodgers the advice to “go win the game” before the final drive- something that they probably should of discussed as being important back in training camp but better late then never I guess.